For a child who is a rule follower or people pleaser, no amount of martial arts eduction, regardless of discipline, will instill a reflexive response for self advocacy or the internal drive to protect their physical space.
These children are frequent targets of bullies and predators; individuals who can easily identify those targetable traits from those they seek to abuse. There are also children who struggle with self advocacy because they do not want to get anyone in trouble or avoid having attention drawn to themselves; characteristics that pave the way for patterns of unhealthy relationships in the future. Self advocacy and personal efficacy are just as essential as being able to create strong physical boundaries. In fact, they are the fist step toward a healthier, happier life.
Our program has created a multifaceted approach to personal safety, self advocacy and boundary setting. Allowing your child to safely explore their own conflict management style and build a healthier future. As professional violence mitigators with over 70-years of collective service and education in Behavioral Analysis, Military, Federal Law Enforcement, Defensive Tactics Israeli Trained Krav Maga and the US Threat and Countermeasures National Nuclear Administration we understand that violence is not only about physical response.
In fact, if we only address the physical response we haven’t addressed violence at all. Healthy growth begins with social emotional learning, an ability to establish and verbalize personal boundaries with an emphasis on mastering social interactions. We believe that children of all neuro-abilities are able to learn and practice reading body language, identify red flag behaviors and necessary verbal / physical response to keep themselves safe.
Research indicates that SEL programs significantly improve academic performance, lowers levels of emotional distress, disruptive behavior and risky behaviors among peers. Our SEL program combines empirical research supported strategies with physical framework for safety in a fun, engaging manner that will last a lifetime. Schedule your child’s Discovery Session today and find out if we’re the right fit for your family! Have more questions? Check out our FAQ
Social Emotional Learning (SEL) is a process which individuals acquire the knowledge, attitudes, and skills associated with the following core areas of social and emotional competency:
Self-Awareness: identifying and recognizing emotions; accurate self-perception; recognizing strengths, needs, and values; self-efficacy
Self-Management: impulse control and stress management; self-motivation and discipline; goal setting and organizational skills
Social Awareness: perspective taking; empathy; difference recognition; respect for others
Relationship Skills: communication, social engagement, and relationship building; working cooperatively; negotiation, refusal, and conflict management; help seeking
Responsible Decision-making: problem identification and situation analysis; problem solving; evaluation and reflection; personal, social, and ethical responsibility
Social And Emotional Learning And Student Benefits: Implications for the Safe School/Healthy Students core elements. Sponsored by Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (DHHS/PHS)
]]>By Renee Rose, Shaan Saar LLC July 19th, 2021
I've been called all of these things and for years wore it like a badge of honor. For so many perfectionists it's like a super power. Until it's not.
Inevitably burnout kicks in and when you have underlying trauma the time between peaks and valleys becomes more and more narrow. My own default settings have been shaped by my both my family of origin and acquired patterns for dealing with stress.
In a sea of Instagram memes and infographics we've all seen the phrase Perfectionism Is A Trauma Response. While it certainly can be associated to deep traumas, perfectionism is an epidemic in our culture. And it's a crippling one. It's also a response to a pathological fear rooted in past and present situations. Perfectionism opens the doorway to overfunctioning; doing more than is appropriate and more than is healthy for yourself or those around you.
In brief, your hyper productivity may not only be a symptom of unresolved trauma but it's quite likely being perpetuated onto those closest to you and hard-wiring negative behaviors that will be need to be resolved down the road. The very thing we've been working so diligently to prevent, and a toxic trait in its own way.
We can do better.
Overfunctioning is common response to anxiety. How we react outwardly, internalize, deflect, pause or experience stress and anxiety is important. For caretakers; women specifically, the fastest strategy we have for regaining peace of mind is to become over responsible for those around us. While our family, friends, colleagues all undoubtedly reap the rewards of that over-responsibility and we become lauded caregivers, super achievers and in our own minds empaths capable of anticipating the needs, feelings and emotions of everyone around us. We absorb the energy; good or bad and the overfunctioning (over-responsibility) becomes the most effective way of managing anxiety and tension.
Being driven with goals for yourself and others others based on what you or they should be doing with their lives.
Doing things for others that they can do themselves because it will take you less time, be done better or create less mess.
Feeling like everything in your life is top priority and you've already scaled back as much as possible.
Mindreading the wishes of family members and loved ones without asking their input.
Furiously completing tasks for others when you are bored, anxious or distressed.
The feeling that asking for help is a sign of weakness and means you are less effective than you should be.
Always volunteering for the most challenging parts of a project or event.
In general fear is the umbrella for overfunction. And while fear can be a primary motivator for making positive, productive changes in our lives, it's also something that keeps us stuck.
A deeper reasoning behind overfunctioning is a fear that we or those we love will somehow miss out on experience. Alternatively the fear of being judged or seen as less than among peers, colleagues and loved ones and finally, the gripping fear of failure. Considering what fuels those can help us to confront our vulnerabilities and deal them head on. If you're finding that they lead to self destructive behaviors (being a workaholic, self neglect, emotional eating, etc..), emotional duress and loss of deeper satisfaction in your life even though you're flooded with activities and fun things I would suggest taking a look at your fears and associating them to what is driving your overfunction.
Fear of the past:
Failing to succeed or perform as expected.
Relationships that ended badly.
Being told or made to believe that you were not enough.
Being envied or hated for your success or personal attributes.
Constant negative or competitive comparison.
Abandonment.
Fear of the present:
Consumed with responsibility.
Concern for keeping yourself and your loved ones safe.
Financial concerns.
Chronic illness
Isolation
Once we've explored our fears we can truly address the underlying issues and begin to find real solutions to what drives behaviors like overfunctioning. Confronting those fears can help us address them productively, head on and open a door to ask for help to create more manageable lives.
To some extent I still consider myself to be an overfunctioner by nature. My family modeled strong work ethic for me so it took me many years to realize that the hyper productivity was also a result of the extreme fears I held onto in regard to my past and present experiences. At the end of the day, like so many other individuals who do too much for others I realized I was genuinely robbing others of the experience to learn, build or express their own strengths.
When I was able to lift my hand off the steering wheel and allow for a more organic process, my family and career began to flourish. As a solution minded fixer it was a bit hard to swallow the idea that I was inhibiting the growth of those I loved so much; and burdening my own life with minutiae. We certainly aren't meant to handle everything ourselves and re-inventing the wheel doesn't always mean we're going to do it better. Allowing ourselves the grace to be imperfect creates an opportunity to measure our experiences and works in terms of joy instead of hardship and opens a door to the exploration of fulfillment and soul work.
Renee Rose is a mother of two and Trauma Support Specialist and Defensive Tactics, Crisis Communication Educator at Shaan Saar LLC. Her educational background in Emergency Management and Forensics from the University of New Mexico at Hollomon Air Force Base and The American Military University has helped shape the trauma informed self defense program at Shaan Saar Krav Maga. She serves as lead women's instructor for the Trauma Informed Self Defense program, speaker, educator and creator of the Survivor's Master Class "Glory Through The Storm".
]]>Those suffering from anxiety, depression, fatigue, insomnia and PTSD often struggle to find helpful solutions outside of pharmaceuticals. Alternatives like at-home neurotransmitter testing (ordered by a doctor) is a window to our brain function that no other testing can provide. Further it can be a beneficial element for natural healing; and allows exploration of targeted, natural alternatives for many other mental health disorders. Scroll for more after the following article.
For many people, the psychological effects of traumatic events are temporary-after a time, they start to feel like their old selves again. But some people can't seem to get back to their old normal. Many suffer from fears, anxiety, and panic attacks that don't go away, and these prevent them from living their normal lives.
Conventional doctors usually treat PTSD with antidepressants and anti-anxiety medicines. But there are natural alternatives. Here are five homeopathic remedies that can help. If none of these descriptions fits your exact profile of symptoms, consider consulting a trained homeopath who can help develop a customized treatment.
This remedy covers a lot of fears and anxieties that lead to obsessive-compulsive behaviors. Your mind can't stop playing the same trauma over and over again. You can only focus on the negative-worrying, perhaps, that something bad will happen to you or a loved one. You may be overly concerned about germs or your health, to the point of hypochondria.
For anxiety that might be the result of a sudden, unexpected trauma, such as an earthquake or car accident. A deep fear of death sends you into a panic state. You can feel your heart beating at a rapid pace that comes on all of a sudden. You may feel faint, along with perspiration and trembling. Things that would not have bothered you before can trigger panic attacks, such as driving on a freeway, getting into an elevator, or flying in an airplane. "I went to the supermarket and on the way in the car, I thought I would die," is the type of statement you might make.
Assuages anxiety that is rooted in concerns about health. I call it "Monkey Brain," when a patient can only focus on their health or lack of it, convinced that every minor ache or ailment is the symptom of a fatal disease, and tend to go from doctor to doctor to get diagnoses. If you experience fear of heights, crowds, small spaces, etc. Argentum Nitricum might be benefial to you. Particularly if you often experience feelings of impending doom, or the strong need to express your fear-based anxieties with anyone who will listen.
A helpful treatment if you are one who suffers from night fears and nightmares. Can also help combat anxiety that comes from fear of the dark, animals, violence, and being alone. Stramonium is calming for anxiety that has a tendency to turn into destructive and malicious behavior-- it soothes feelings of anger and panic.
A treatment for anyone hypersensitive to sound, light, smell, and even emotions. This hypersensitivity often makes you feel very raw, which can result in the belief of being tormented or ridiculed. This can also create feelings of fear and dread that something bad will happen. If you experience phobias, such as fear of driving, flying, injury, suffocation, water, or being alone, Lyssinum may be a helpful remedy.
Suggested dose: Dosages vary from a 30c, 200c, to a 1M, and can be taken daily or weekly. This depends on the severity of symptoms and how long someone has been suffering. Try and see what works best for you. Or seek the help of a professional homeopath.
If none of these descriptions fits your exact profile of symptoms, consider consulting a trained homeopath who can help develop a customized treatment.
For worry, loss of sleep, irrational behavior, and feelings of anger, hate, resentment, and impatience.
Very helpful in any shock, trauma, or grief event. When you just can't seem to move forward and you stay in the traumatic event. Feelings of shame, fear, frustration, and guilt that can turn into anger and grudges. Holding your fears and anxieties in the abdominal area, loss of appetite, and a lot of GI issues. This Bach Flower essence can help you move forward out of that trauma.
Suggested dose for the Bach Flowers:** Put 3 drops into a 12-oz. bottle of water, and each time you sip on the water, you are dosing yourself. These are safe and easy for children and adults. You can put both Bach flower remedies in the same bottle of water. **
Written by Avghi Constantinides for Better Nutrition and legally licensed through the Matcha publisher network. Please direct all licensing questions to legal@getmatcha.com.
For natural healing, Bach flowers, Hyland's homeopathic combinations and neurotransmitter testing by ZRT labs have been helpful solutions for me and so many individuals. Neurotransmitter testing in particular is one of the most progressive (and promising) solutions for anxiety, chonric fatigue, insomnia, pmdd and other chronic issues with an easy at home urinalysis. While plenty of individuals find prescription medications necessary, there are also alternatives to explore before making the leap
]]>We're hardwired into listening to the thoughts but miss the fact that aren't coming from the original source of negativity anymore. Those are our thoughts, in our head and we can give them as much or as little power as we choose.
How Can I Change The Negative Messages In My Head?
Persistent negative thoughts can create profound impact on our mental health, mood and even physical well being. It can be extremely difficult to disconnect from these thoughts and we become tangled or "fused" into our psyche. How you can tell if you're looped into a damaging mindset?
Self awareness is the first step in helping to figure out how to change those messages and diffusion is a productive method of helping to change them. Diffusion exercises weaken the bond between automatic thoughts and behaviors and while they make be techniques you have to work on diligently they can be tremendously beneficial. Below are 5 items that can help you pivot away from these negative automatic thoughts.
A phrase coined by Dr. Daniel Siegel and a powerful diffusing strategy.
When a negative thought pattern and associated emotion pops up, create a label for the story. This is similar to the labeling we teach in our weekly womXn's program.
For example, one of my own negative messages is "You aren't exactly the picture of having it altogether. Shouldn't you have moved on and healed yourself completely before you try to help anyone?" This narrative jams up my own ability to continue my work in supporting survivors and our lgtbqia+ community. When this pops into my head I use one of those latenight fm dj radio voices in my head and say, "ooohhhh, there's the I'm supposed to be perfect story." I know, it's not true but I need a moment to acknowledge that and realize it's tied to messages I've heard through toxic individuals throughout my lifetime. Once we give that story a label and step back, our frontal cortex is able to step in and give perspective.
To me, the tone is just as important as the label itself because it brings me back to a more centered state of consciousness. For our purposes labeling the narrative is all about retaining the neural pathways; and it really works!
Sometimes playfulness goes a long way. This exercise is based on one of the earliest defusion techniques. An experiment in Ireland explored acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) interventions on pain interference where participants were able to increase their tolerance to discomfort 40% longer, by verbally defying their perceived pain. In short, saying one thing while doing the exact opposite.
You can try this yourself right now by picking up your phone and typing out a text message that reads "I cannot type this sentence!" repeatedly, while actually typing. So maybe next time you're hearing that message that tells you that you won't be able to get your workout in, you get down on the floor and start doing some crunches, or body weight exercises at the same time.
Even the smallest exercises in helping you realize the power of mind over matter can make the biggest difference.
Sometimes especially unhealthy messages pop into our mind and jam up our entire day. So many of these messages are things we've directly heard from other individuals; usually people who have been closest to us. Hurtful words or phrases that get twisted in our heads and repeated back at the most inopportune moments.
The next time one of these negative thoughts crops up listen, acknowledge and answer back. This is one of my favorite exercises.
The trick is listening with sincerity, acknowledging as if it were someone giving you bad advice. You can even give the voice a name. Then thank them and respond. You can do it out loud (something I personally have found to be most beneficial), or internally if you're around other people.
The exercise could go something like this: "You're never going to be able to accomplish that. Everyone doing this is so much older / younger and more experienced than you are. You're going to look ridiculous." You can respond with "Thanks for sharing, I can see how you're trying to be helpful and are maybe concerned about how I might look, but I've got this covered."
Chances are your mind (or the toxicity of the messages) is going to push back hard so make sure to respond again firmly. You can even consider eganging further and asking "Is there anything else you need to say?"
Learning to think of that negative voice as bad advisor instead of a dictator is a tool that can help dramatically in changing our internal messages.
We want to give you a platform to celebrate your wins with a supportive community of amazing individuals who have done the work to Transform Fear!
"One day you will tell the story of how you overcame struggle, pain or heartache and it will become someone else's survival guide."
Sometimes just knowing someone else has walked in our shoes and come out the other side to live a beautiful life is enough to keep going. By sharing your story of how strength and survival became your purpose others find hope and inspiration for themselves.
As time goes on we find that our own healing is like an ocean. Sometimes we stay right on the surface and manage our day to day on gentle waves; with sunshine on our faces. On other days the waves are rough and crash over us quickly; seemingly endless. The important thing to remember is that we have tools and concepts to help us navigate life and we aren't ever in it all on our own. If you don't know where to begin drop a comment below and we'll help you locate some like minded communities.
The more we reach out to each other share our own stories of healing the more we can accomplish in a variety of social impact issues. From domestic violence to coming out; leaving toxic relationships once and for all. There are so many inspiring stories. We're always here to share yours!
About the author: Reneé Rose is co-owner and brand manager for Shaan Saar LLC and Board President of The Shaan Saar Foundation 501(c)3 non-profit dedicated to providing services and resources for violent crime survivors and our lgbtqia+ community. She is an trauma informed support specialist and the lead instructor for the WomXn's program at Shaan Saar Krav Maga. Reneé is a survivor of violent crime and domestic violence and creator of the Transform Fear™️ project.
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]]>Most of us live with a constant stream of internal dialogue. Many of them appear in negative messages we absorbed throughout our childhood and formative young adult years. Changing our relationship with our thoughts and emotions versus trying to change the messages holds the key to healing. But what does it take to be ready to begin that process? Check out guest blogger Nicole Corning's take on just that and explore one of our favorite methods for defusion.
I got the best call and the worst call from a friend of mine last week. She and I have been friends since high school which means we’ve seen each other at most of our highest and lowest points—from birth of our first child to passing out cold after drinking one too many Bacardi Breezers. This call was to celebrate the fact that she had just landed a job. Not just any job, but a job she hadn’t thought she could get. She had been encouraged by a friend to apply for it and even though she was convinced it would never happen, the company chose her! After years of uncertain employment through the “gig economy" and a series of startup companies she was on the verge of making the most money she had ever made in her life, with the best benefits she’d ever had in her life, with a stable and established company, and an actual (gasp) career path! So that was the best part of the call. The worst was when she admitted that she didn’t feel she deserved it. She confessed that she had been telling herself some pretty awful things about herself from as early as her teen years. Who knew her better than she did, right? Worse yet, who was going to argue with the voice in her head? So after years of the same refrain she believed it.
I wish she were the only woman I know who battles that same bitch of a voice in their head. However, we women seem to be awfully good about letting the record of our lives remain stuck in a groove so that it simply repeats again and again all of the awful things we think about ourselves (and yes I am that old that I just made a reference to vinyl).
In a God-wink moment the very next morning I met another friend at the gym. In between exercising (I swear to God we actually did work out) she told me about an amazing opportunity her eleven-year-old daughter had been offered. Her daughter absolutely loves to dance and does it competitively. One of their dancers at her studio, who was in high school, was injured in an accident and wouldn’t be able to compete, leaving her other teammates down one dancer for an upcoming competition. The coach reached out to my friend and asked her if she would allow her daughter to fill in. Though her daughter was younger than the other dancers, the coach felt she was strong enough to hold her own. My friend jumped at the opportunity even knowing that her daughter might not be so thrilled. And sure enough her daughter, who is shy by nature, protested that she’d never be able to do it. To which my friend sprang into super pitch woman mode and wouldn’t take no for an answer. She told her all the things we wish our inner vices told us: I believe in you, your coach believes in you, you can do this. Most importantly her daughter believed her enough to say yes.
Now look, this isn’t about blaming your mom for you not being successful because she didn’t hug you enough. What I do think we need to be aware of is that what we tell ourselves and believe about ourselves has power. Wouldn’t it be amazing if all of our daughters, nieces, friend’s daughters, random girls walking down the street were told that they were capable and strong? What kind of world would it be twenty-years from now if every girl-child was told they should go for it? That they have what it takes. That reaching for the seemingly impossible is something they should do every day. Maybe their nasty inner voice wouldn’t even have a chance to be heard.
But even more important than our words are our actions. My friend with the new job is now going to demonstrate to her young daughter that women should value themselves. Our children do not do what we tell them to do (I’ve given up on this quite some time ago), they do what they see us do. They model us. And not just children but young women coming into the workforce and trying to find their own balance. They look to us who have been at it for a few years to see how we handle it. And if they see us leaning in they might begin to believe that they can do it too.
So the next time you hear the little voice whispering discouraging words in your ear, slap her. Do it for you and all the other women who are watching.
Written by Nicole Corning for Working Mother and legally licensed through the Matcha publisher network. Please direct all licensing questions to legal@getmatcha.com.
The next time one of these negative thoughts crops up listen and answer back. The trick is listening with sincerity, acknowledging as if it were someone giving you bad advice. Responding with "Thanks for sharing, I can see how you're trying to be helpful but I've got this covered." Learning to think of that negative voice as a bad advisor, instead of a dictator is a tool that can help dramatically in changing our internal messages.
Read our full article for more strategies here.
]]>We all like to think we're pretty self aware; that we know who we are and are completely confidant in what we stand for. True self awareness though, requires widening your window of tolerance and taking a (likely) uncomfortable look at what shaped us. Our students routinely dissect this during our online lecture series for Conflict Management, De-Escalation and Understanding Violence. By examining our own belief systems we begin to open up doors to Transform Fear. Read on to learn more...
I Goggled the term “Self Awareness” and got 300,000 search results. It’s a term that gets thrown around quite a bit. But, like many phrases that are tossed about in every day language, the actual meaning is lost on some. They may nod in agreement when they hear it, but do they really know what it means to be self-aware? Do you really know what it means?
According to all-knowing, all-seeing Wikipedia, “Self-awareness is the capacity for introspection and the ability to recognize one’s self as an individual separate from the environment and other individuals.”
Oxford dictionary says it is, “conscious knowledge of one's own character, feelings, motives, and desires…” That’s a good definition for the purposes of this article. But my favorite search result was the Amazon ad that appeared which read, in-part, “Low Prices on Self-awareness Free Shipping on Qualified Orders.” Who knew?
Self awareness is tricky. It requires the ability to know where the line is drawn between our real and our ego-driven selves. A lot gets in the way of truly understanding one’s true self. Our emotions, our tolerance levels, experiences we can and can’t recall, messages we take in consciously and unconsciously.
The number of things that influence us is staggering and growing. A story about “Sonic Seasoning” on American Public Radio’s Marketplace revealed that music playing in the background can influence how we experience the taste of our food. Food can taste sweeter if we’re listening to high-pitched sounds like wind chimes. If that’s possible, imagine how many other ways we unconsciously react to the world around us.
We could never completely master self-awareness. That would be like counting every drop of water in the ocean. But the more we tune in to our triggers and reactions, the better equipped we are to consciously choose the outcomes in our lives. How can we peel away the layers that hide our true selves? One place to start is with behaviors that signal a lack of self-awareness.
Often times, we exhibit behaviors that reveal how un-self-aware we actually are. A 2013 Inc.com article suggests that when we resort to these 7 things, we’re showing the world that we’re not as self-aware as we may think.
The truth is that we are all guilty of these behaviors at one time or another. The secret is knowing that, exploring why we're reacting as we are and redirecting our behavior to achieve the best results. If you lead people, being self-aware means you understand how your attitude and behavior impacts others — which is critically important. Your ability to influence them relies heavily on knowing how to manage the unique chemistry between you and your team. In what may feel counter-intuitive to our traditional view of authority, self-aware people are humble. Humility is a powerful tool when managing others.
Humble people comfortably accept critical feedback and are willing to let others shine. Why? Because they’re not threatened by others. Their focus tends to be on the greater good. Self-awareness reduces the threat from outside influences that can negatively affect our behavior. It opens up space for the hidden forces that trigger defensiveness and self-doubt to rise to the surface where we can address them constructively.
Are you self-aware? If you want to find out, take this one line self-awareness test. Gauging and improving your own self-awareness may be easier than you think.
Written by Teressa Moore Griffin for Working Mother and legally licensed through the Matcha publisher network. Please direct all licensing questions to legal@getmatcha.com.
So much can be learned from the resilience of survivors. Moving past catastrophic life events takes an ability to look inward and address what makes us the most vulnerable. I always tell the story of how our company was founded, to elevate the voices of the broken and heal others. But the part I frequently leave out is that I am also a survivor of violent crime. It is through that difficult self awareness and pain that we share our mission to teach others they are worth fighting for. -Reneé Rose
]]>This day and age, the world has never been more accessible for solo female travelers. A 2014 survey found that a staggering 65% of solo travelers were women! Great news for any first-time solo female travelers--we’re in good company.
With that said, we understand that for many women, solo travelling is intimidating and holds more danger than for men. Sadly, some parts of the world are still not female-friendly, and you’ll need to take extra precautions. This article isn’t meant to scare you away from solo travel, but instead to give you some essential tools so you feel safer.
Read on for some tips that will help keep you safe no matter where you go in the world!
It goes almost without saying--make sure you are very familiar with the culture of the country you are visiting. This goes for food, language, and religion. Knowledge will help you blend in to your surroundings. Criminals look for the naïve tourists. Learning a couple phrases, dressing appropriately and blending in removes the target from your back, and it has the added bonus of helping enrich your travel experience through cultural immersion!
Knowing the culture will also give you an idea of what is considered “normal” in terms of hospitality. For example, in Ugandan culture, residents frequently invite tourists into their homes for meals, and it is perfectly safe. However, in some countries this is not common, and a local acting overly friendly could be a warning sign.
So you’ve just gotten back from a full day on holiday swimming with dolphins and exploring marketplaces, but your Airbnb or hostel seems a bit sketchy. Should you:
A. Stay there, not sleeping a wink because you have nowhere else to go and feel uncomfortable
or
B. Get out of there and go to your closest Plan B option
Hint: it’s answer B.
Before you arrive at your destination, make sure you have options for accommodations. When it comes to sleeping at night and leaving valuables in your room, it is better to be safe than sorry. Don’t be helpless in an uncomfortable situation, which leads us to the next point:
We’ve all had interactions with creeps. There are plenty of warning signs that can set off alarm bells- unsavory comments, touches, and even certain looks. However, sometimes we feel obligated to stay in an uncomfortable situation: “But I already paid”, “I have nowhere to go”, “What if this person gets offended?”, “Oh, I’m just overreacting”.
Stop it! When travelling, safety is the first priority. If you feel uncomfortable in a situation, take care of yourself before worrying about the other person’s feelings or even your bank account. Those things are irrelevant if you get hurt. Trust your gut and don’t be afraid to tap out of a situation right when you get a bad feeling.
Solo travelling comes with this sense of unbridled freedom and adventure. You’ve made it this far, so why not take that road less travelled? It can also be tempting to forget about your friends and family and revel in all your new experiences. The problem with this is that if something goes wrong, no one will miss you until it’s too late. Save that remote hiking trip for a girls’ trip and make sure someone knows where you are. Whether you text your parents that you should call them by a certain time or asking the hotel staff to watch for you, be alone without being invisible.
It can be tempting to enjoy all that exotic food or walk around the beaches with music playing in your headphones, but losing your wits as a tourist can be dangerous. Getting drunk or distracted is unwise even at home, but in a foreign country it’s asking for trouble. Take out those headphones and keep your wits about you at all times to maximize your safety.
We might not all be black-belts, but we can all learn a couple moves that can help you be prepared for unpleasant situations.
Start with basic principles like creating distance and making noise. It’s better to know something instead of nothing.
Additionally, research concealed weapon requirements wherever you go. In some countries, using mace or pepper spray is illegal and you should opt for hairspray instead. Being aware of how to defend yourself will go a long way in making you feel more confident even if (fingers crossed!) you never use these techniques. Everyone has the ability to travel solo successfully. Just be smart and aware, and bon voyage!
Written by Natalie Bracco for Working Mother and legally licensed through the Matcha publisher network. Please direct all licensing questions to legal@getmatcha.com.
Welcome to the Transform Fear™️ Blog. Societal stereotypes have long perpetuated the strong, silent type as an ideal male figure. Emotional suppression can lead to unhealthy, toxic and violent forms of expression. Normalizing conversations about personal struggles and the need for support is a solution based activity that can be the catalyst for change. The following guest post by Trauma Therapist Mike Miller highlights that conversation.
A program director at a men’s addiction clinic explains one of the major ways masculine roles can backfire
Masculinity, as we’re probably all aware by now, can turn nasty with catastrophic consequences for the person affected and the people around them – something Mike Miller knows all too well. Miller is programme director of Reach at The Cabin Group in Thailand, a rehab centre for men struggling with addiction. While Miller believes traditional masculinity – “a set of accepted behaviours for men” – is not all toxic, he thinks there are things that men get “trained” to do that don’t help them to thrive. We asked him to explain what these were, and what you can start doing about it if you think any of what he says applies to you.
A lot of the time our worth is attached to what we provide and what we produce. When men introduce themselves they’ll say, “What do you do?” Not, “Do you have kids? Do you have a family?” It can make our worth attached to what we do, not who we are. Feelings are sort of in the realm of women, and we get messages like don’t be weak, don’t be vulnerable.
The message of being very stoic and keeping your feelings inside. That doesn’t have to be harmful, unless you have a need for support to get your emotional needs met – if you’re carrying a lot of stress, pain, anxiety, fear, depression. If you’ve been trained not to reach out and admit that your need help, there are going to be some maladaptive (not helpful or appropriate to the environment or situation) coping behaviours that come into play. That could be things like drinking and drug use, problematic gambling, problematic sexual behaviours like promiscuity that gets in the way of intimacy. And if you can’t have intimacy and you need help with getting your emotional needs met, how is that going to happen?
The biggest things are connection to other people, feeling heard, loving, feeling love, empowerment, having agency and having self-esteem.
If you do it in a compulsive way where you can’t control it, or tell yourself you’ll stop and you can’t. And then there are negative consequences. If we take drinking, for some people it starts off as relief, to get away from the stress and pressures of life, but if it becomes compulsive the consequences may be that it affects their employment, their health, their relationships.
I can tell you how we started addressing it at Reach – granted these people are perhaps further along the track. The first thing we do when people come into our programme is get involved in psycho-dynamic group therapy, which is about men having relationships with other men, and being able to drop the mask and just tell the truth about what they’re experiencing and what they’re feeling. It starts teaching them to honour what’s going on. Connecting with someone and being able to be honest, to say “I’m having some struggles right now and I need some support”, really does go against traditional men’s gender training and socialisation.
A lot of men also have adverse childhood experiences – what I, as a trauma therapist, would consider to be trauma. I’m not talking the classic things people might think of like childhood sexual abuse, or being in a war zone. I’m talking about, for instance, having two parents who work and being raised by a nanny, and when your parents come home they’re too tired to spend too much time with you. Then the nanny leaves and you get a new nanny and what may happen is you grow up with attachment problems. Those are what we would consider to be traumatic events and those can really inform how you behave in relationship to people for the rest of your life.
I work in a luxury rehab centre and there are people here for whom money is never going to be an issue, yet they’re not happy people. The way they cope with the emotional pain is drinking, drugs, gambling, food. There’s a lot of examples where people eat to soothe their emotions, or because they don’t know how to reach out to other people.
What I would suggest is that therapy is a good idea. This might seem like a really big stretch for some people, especially for men and especially when you don’t feel you’re in some kind of a crisis or at rock bottom, but I’m a big believer in reaching out to somebody who can listen and provide feedback.
Written by Jonathan Shannon for Coach and legally licensed through the Matcha publisher network. Please direct all licensing questions to legal@getmatcha.com.
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